AnkhMorpork Survivor
by Mrs Wizzard
Summary: 10 Discworld characters locked inside a mansion for five months! Who will crack first? Who will win the 10,000 dollars?
1. Something is amiss

Sam Vimes looked at the vast amounts of paperwork that had accumulated on his desk. He looked at the pen in his hand. He looked at the paperwork. He looked back at the pen. And then to the paperwork, again. After a few moments, he sighed and tossed the pen over his shoulder. He'd get to it, later.

There came a knock at the door before it creaked open, and Sergeant Colon reluctantly stepped inside. He was holding a piece of paper that had been nervousl crumpled due to his nervous fidgeting with it a few moments earlier, which was continued now as he stood before the commander.

"Er, sir?" he said.

"Yes, Fred?" replied Commander Vimes, "What is it?"

"Er, Constable Visit has just come back with an urgent report"

"Well, get on with it, man," Vimes pushed on.

"Um, right," said Colon, "Well, there has been a report of something that's been speeding through the city"

"Another renegade coach?" asked Vimes. Colon's fidgetinmg seemed to become more insistant.

"Um, yes, sir," said Colon, "Only we think it's a cart, sir, but it's kind of like..er, I think you'd better come and see it for yourself, sir. It was last seen speeding towards that new mansion down in Filligree Street, sir." And, almost as if on cue, there was a crash from down the street that shook the watch house.

By the time the two of them got there, a crowd had already formed around the scene Anything that may result in someone being hanged passed for entertainment by Anhk-Morpork standards. Vimes pushed his way to the front of the crowd, where he got a good look at the thing for the first time. He could see what Sergeant Colon had been talking about. It did indeed vaguely resemble a cart. But, there were no horses pulling it, there was smoke coming out from somewhere on the bottom, the tires seemed to be lined with a very thick rubber, and the whole thing seemed to look like a big metal box on wheels. It seemed almost unbelieveable that such a contraption could be stopped by a, now half-bent lampost in front of the new mansion.

Inside came a sound of someone coughing, most likely from the cloud of smoke that was now surrounding the metal cart. After a few moments, one of the doors opened, and a young woman stepped out and looked around at the gathered crowd. Before she could say anything, Vimes pushed his way forward and stood before her.

"Just who the hell are you, and what are you doing?" he said, reasonably louder than was needed. The girl simply looked up at him wide-eyed for a minute or two before a benevolent smile spread across her face.

"Oh, I'm here for the new show!" she said considerably more cheerfully than would be expected of someone whose future was quite likely was going to be spent in a cold, dark, cell. Vimes stood in utter shock before he got a hold on himself.

"What the hell are you talkingk about?" he yelled, immediately silencing any sniggering that was going on in the crowd. This only seemed to broaden the girl's smile, if that was possible. She opened her mouth to say something, but she was interupted by the sound of another set of tires skirting around the corner and coming to an abrupt stop just behind the first metal cart. This one was a great deal bigger, and seemed to contain a lot more people.

"Oh, good, the crew's bus is here," said the girl as the thing's doors opened, and many people, each carrying as much equipment as possible, began filing out, and into the mansion. Vimes watched as she began directing them. He'd had enough of this.

"What the hell is going on!?" he shouted. The girl turned and looked at him as if she'd just noticed him standing there.

"Oh, sorry, commander," she said, once again, smiling, "I'm here to manage the new reality show."

"What 'reality show'?" Some people with what looked like modified moving picture iconographs walked past, and into the mansion.

"Oh, it's, um..What was it, now?" She turned and pointed to a random iconograph holder. "Rob, what are we calling this thing, again?" The one adressed as Rob looked up from the strange iconograph at her call.

"I believe it was 'Ankh-Morpork Survivor,' Miss," he said. The girl turned back to Vimes.

"Ah, right," she said, "It's Ankh-Morpork Survivor, Mr. Vimes" She caught his blank stare, and sighed.

"It's sort of like a long-term game, sir," she went on, "We take ten volunteers to live in the mansion for five months, and they live their lives as they normally do, only they are not to leave the house, we supply them with everything they need for those five months, and whenever we see fit, they are given a task that they must complete, or they recieve a punishment"

"And the cameras?" said Vimes, suspiciously.

"Oh, those?" said the girl, "Well, we're putting them in hiding spots all around the house, as well as reopening the Moving Pictures hall, so paying viewers can come and watch everyone as they live in the house. After a certain amount of time, they vote on who they want evicted from the house"

"You put cameras in every bloody room?!" said Colon, who had somehow materialised by Vimes' side. The girl laughed.

"We keep them out of the bathroom, if it makes you feel any better," she said.

"People paying to watch people sit around and live?" said Vimes. "Sounds like a waste of money, if you ask me"

"We'll see, commander," she said, walking up to the mansion, "This is Ankh-Morpork, after all" She came to the front door and opened it. Stepping inside, she turned back to the crowd at the sound of Vimes' voice.

"I doubt if you'll get any volunteers," he said.

"I'm sure there are plenty of people in this city who will be willing to spend five months in this place," she said, smiling, "for a prize of $10,000" Her smile grew at the sudden uproar form the crowd. "Sign ups will be held in the Moving Pictures hall!" she called out, before closing the door. Vimes and Colon were nearly trampeled by the crowd as they all turned and started in the direction of the hall.

"Fred?" said Vimes, steadying himself.

"Yes, sir?" said Colon from somewhere on the ground.

"It's going to be a long five months"

"Yes, sir"

---------------------------------------------

I keep looking for Discworld reality shows, but whenever I do, the author never seems to want to finish them, so I'm making one of my own


	2. Introductions

Vimes couldn't believe it. Not that nearly half of Ankh-Mopork had signed up for this 'reality show', because it was Ankh-Morpork, afterall. What he couldn't believe was that _he_ had been chosen. Sybil's intentions had been good, at least that's what she_ told _him. Many of the officers in the Watch had happily agreed that it would be good for him to get out of the office for a while. Somehow, Vimes had the feeling that everyone was secretly trying to screw with him behind his back.

He hadn't gotten to see who else had been chosen, yet. The moment he arrived he'd been pushed 'backstage'. It wasn't as if it was even a proper stage. For one thing, it was just outside the mansion, as opposed to in a big theater, or something. Second, Vimes had always figured that a stage had dressing rooms behind it. Here, there were rooms, but they seemed more like very cramped stables. You waited here until one of the 'crew' opened the door and pullled you out and up onto the stage. He couldn't tell if he had come to the the proper place or had inadvertedly walked into the entrance of a horse show.

Vimes had been told that he was going tobe first. What was taking so long was beyond him, but it seemed to consist of making the crowd cheer louder at five minute intervals. Either they were keeping them in entertaining suspense, or a fight had broken out in the crowd. Vimes silently calculated the odds of either one, and settled comfortably for the latter.

Just as he was beginning to think that they had forgotten all about ihm, the door to his room opened, and the man who had earlier been introduced to him as Joe wordlessly grabbed his arm and led him out to the stage, where he was pushed back into a chair adjacent to another. In the other chair sat the young girl who seemed to be in charge of the whole thing. She was smiling, as if that was any surprise, and was holding a microphone. Her smile grew as she saw that Vimes had sat down in front of her.

"Welcome to the show, Mr. Vimes!!" she yelled, more to the crowd than himself. "My name is MiMi, and I will be your host for Ankh-Morpork Survivor!!"s There was an uproar from the crowd that could have deafened an elephant. MiMi uselessly attempted to wave them into silence before continuing on.

"So, tell us, Vimes," she said, "What made you sign up for o ur show?"

"My wife," Vimes said, shortly.

"Would you like to explain for us why?"

"No." MiMi rolled her eyes and continued on.

"Well, I hope you'll have a fabulous time in the mansion, I suppose you'll feel right at home." Vimes glared daggers at her. It seemed not to have any effect, whatsoever.

"If you'll kindly step inside the house, you'll see that your luggage has been brought in for you, please wait in the living room for the rest of the guests, who you'll get to spend the next five months with!!"

"Oh, joy," muttered Vimes. He stood up and took his arm away, before Joe got a hold of him, again. The man simply shrugged and led Vimes on stopping as the commander stepped inside the mansion.

"Allright!!" MiMi shouted to the crowd, "Our next contestant is all the way from Unseen University. You know him, you love him, you've probaly tried to mug him, let's give it up for Rincewind!!" The wizzard was guided on the stage, where he was also pushed into a chair.

"So, Rincewind," MiMi said, "What made you sign up for our gameshow?"

"Ridcully made me," said the wizzard, trying to cover his ear to lessen the damage of the cheering crowd.

"Why's that?"

"I believe his exact words were: 'Rincewind, all you do is hang around here, all day! If you don't get out of the University for a while, I'm sending you to a five year exhibition to Klatch!'"

"I see, well, RIncewind, we'd have moved your Luggage inside of the house for you, but it ate one of our crew members," said MiMi, staring cautiously at the manevolent chest that had been sitting at the wizzard's feet.

"Sorry about that. It happens." This seemed to pass enough for an answer.

"Well, hope you have a good five months in the mansion. Please follow Joe, here, and wait with Vimes in the living room." She watched as the wizzard followed Joe off of the stage and into the mansion.

"Our third contestant also comes from Unseen University!! Please welcome Archancellor RIdcully!!" The Archancellor was led up to the stage where he made himself quite comfortable in the chair before Joe could catch up with him.

"So, Ridcully, tell us why you decided to join our show," said MiMi.

"I couldn't get that bastard, Rincewind to leave the University for a while, so I decided that I would get away for a while, myself," he said. There was an uproar of laughter from the crowd. Ridcully even found that the hostess was trying to contain herself.

"What? What?" he said, urgently, "What did I say?"

"Nothing, nothing, Archancellor," said MiMi, getting a hold of herself. "Please, if you'll follow Joe, wait in the living room with the other two." As he was led off stage, MiMi turned to the crowd and gestured for them all to quiet down. They all watched as Ridcully entered the house, and closed the door behind himself. There were a few moments of silence. Then a yell broke out from inside the house, causing an even greater erruption of laughter from both the crowd and the crew. When things calmed down a little, MiMi announced the next guest.

"Our next contestant is our city's very own ruler, please give it up for Lord Vetinari!!" The was another uproar of cheers as Vetinari seemed to lead _Joe _onto the stage, where the man didn't dare push his lordship into the chair as Vetinari sat down completely of his own accord.

"Thank you for being here, your lordship," said MiMi, knowing exactly what her place was with this contestant. "Would you like to tell us why you signed up for our game?"

"I thought that it might be an intersting experience," Vetinari said. MiMi nodded.

"I'm sure it will be, your lordship," she said, "If you would, the first few contestants will be waiting in the living room," Vetinari nodded, and walked off of the stage.

"Well, let's bring out our next contestant!!"

---------------------------

I'm not going to write all of the introductions, for that would take much too long, so I'm ending it at the first four. The rest of them will have already been introduced when the next chapter starts. I hope you all like it so far


	3. Musical Bedrooms

**DAY ONE: 5:00 P.M.**

The introductions had ended, and now all of the guests were seatd in the living room. It was a particularly odd room. For one thing, there were no lanterns or candles lighting it, instead there were little balls of what looked to be captured lightning hang in little globes on the ceiling. In the corner, sat on a desk, was something like a big plastic box, and in front of it was a board with keys of numbers and letters, that were all out of order. Ponder seemed eager to get to it, but they'd all been instructed to take a seat and wait patiently. They had all been seated in front of what looked to be a much larger version of the box in the corner, only this one didn't have a board with keys. It was powered by a magic wand with numbers on it, wich they had been told not to touch, just yet.

After about ten minues of an awkward silence, the housemates either glaring at one another or staring confusedly at the blank screen of the box, it suddenly flashed on to reveal an image of MiMi, their overenthusiastic hostess. She was, of course, smiling.

"Good afternoon, houseguests!!" she said, "Welcome to the Ankh-Morpork Survivor's Mansion!!"

"We ain't deaf, ya know," this was the voice of Granny Weatherewax, "Ya don't need to be shoutin'"

"'Ere, what is this thing?" said Nobby, poking at the box.

"Nobby, knock that off," said Angua.

"Yes, Nobby, please," said MiMI, before continuing on, "Anyway, you'll see that there are things in this house that are different than the things you're used to. For your convienence, all of these things have been labeled with their proper names" She pointed above her head to the label on the box which read: Tea-Vea. "You are permitted to use these things at anytime during your stay. And always be prepared for a surprise Task, because remember, any task you fail to complete will result in a punishment. Now, you're first task is to do this: pick a room!!" As one, all the houseguests grabbed their luggage, and all ran off in different directions, except for Vetinari, who simply got up and walked away, and Vimes who was still sitting and glaring at the Tea-Vee screen.

"What's the point of this whole ridiculous game?" he said suspiciously. The image of MiMi smiled.

"Don't you worry your pretty little head about that, commander. And be careful of what you say and do, because remember that anyone paying to watch this show sees it all," she said, "Now, you go and select a bedroom, or you'll get stuck with whatever's left!!" with that, the sreen blinked off, and Vimes was left alone in the room. Grumbling to himself, he picked up his luggage and walked off to find somewhere to stay.

Not really caring, he picked a bedroom at random and opened the door. Inside revealed Vetinari standing at a desk, and unpacking his luggage.

"Hello, commander," he said. Vimes instantly shut the door and hurried off. The next room he came to was at the other side of the mansion, (for some reason, the whole thing was just one story high, why they were calling it a mansion was beyond him), he opened the door only to end up with a pillow instantly thrown in his face, forcing him out.

"Ay, dont' ya know yer supposed to knock before entering the ladies' room?" came the voice of Nanny Ogg.

From the hallway, he could hear Angua laughing at him. He automatically assumed that Granny Weatherwax was in there with them. Rubbing his face where the throw pillow had hit him, (what? you didn't know those things were actually meant for throwing?), Vimes stormed down the hall to the next room. He opened the door to reveal that this one had three beds, as well. These, unfortuneately, were already occupied by the wizards. Ponder was trying to get comfortable in his hammock, Rincewind looked as if he was trying no to let the fold-out bed suck him in, and Ridcully already seemed to be fast asleep on his, apparently normal, bed. Before he could let anyone explain anything, Vimes shut the door, and continued on to the last room. He opened the door to reveal a room with twin beds. One was thankfully empty. The other was occupied by Captain Carrot, who was cheerfully unpacking his bag. He looked up at the sound of the door opening.

"Oh, good afternoon, sir," he said, smiling. At that moment, something fell from the ceiling and onto the empty bed.

"Ha! Told ya I could jump from the fan without killin' myself," said Nobby. Vimes rolled his eyes and shout the door. Sometimes it was better not to ask questions. Pinching the bridge of his nose, Vimes dragged his luggage back down the hall.

"Hello, again, commander." Vimes ignored Vetinari as he walked into the room and shut the door behind himself. Walking over to the bunkbeds, he put his luggage onto the bottom bunk, because it was really no question who was going to sleep on top.


	4. A Little R&R

**DAY ONE: 6:00 P.M.**

The houseguests seemed to have sttled in nicely, as they were all going about their buiness as usual, or at least what would be considered usual for us. The wizards were sat in front of the Tea-Vee, surprisingly along with Granny Weatherwax, apparently watching a magic show. In the corner, Nobby was playing on the Com-pooter, Ponder hovering around him, impatiently waiting his turn. Angua and Carrot were sitting on beanbags at the other side of the room, playing one of the board games that had been found in the closet.

"Aye, that ain't no real magic," complained Granny Weatherwax.

"Looks real enough to me," said Rinewind, immensly fascinated with the show.

"Yeah," said Ridcully, "How else could he push the egg through the wall?"

"It's all in the lighting," said Granny, "Just watch" They all stared at the screen as the magician demonstrated how the trick worked.

"Wow," said Rincewind.

"Told ya," said Granny.

"Bet ya can't do that, again," RIdcully taunted.

"If yer sure yer up to it," said Granny, "Shall we say, ten dollars?"

"'Ay, you want in on this, Vetinari?" said Ridcully, giving a nudge towards the Patrician.

"I think that I shall have to pass, Archchancellor," said Vetinari, not even looking up from his book.

"Suit yerself,"

Half an hour later, half of Unseen University's funds had somehow been lost.

"Mr. Nobbs, can I _please_ use the com-pooter, now?"

"'Old on, I'm playin' Solly-tare," Ponder moaned, impatiently to himself.

"'Ere, what's this?" said Nobby, "It won't let me peek at its cards. How am I supposed to win if I can't cheat?"

"I believe that's the point of the game, Nobby," said Angua, "What are they betting on now, Carrot?" she asked, rolling the dice. Carrot tried to peer over the beck of the couch from the other side of the room, to get a better look.

"It looks as if the magician's being tied up, thrown into a box, and at the end of the trick, the person doing the illusion removes their hood, is revealed to be the magician, then opens the box to show that he's been replaced by one of his assistants" Angua sighed, wizards were always so competitive. She moved her player ten spots and picked up a card.

"'Ere," said Granny Weatherwax, "First, he takes the fish, removes the lock, goes through a secret opening, tunnels under the stage, comes up backstage, ties up the assistant, puts him down the tunnel to the box, puts on 'is hood, and passes the assistant who was doing the trick at the start"

"There was no fish in that trick," complained Riduclly. They watched the demonstration, and after a few frustrated moments of complaining under his breath, Ridcully handed over another ten dollars.

"Amazing," said Rincewind, mistified. He scribbled a few hurried notes onto the pad of paper he had grabbed earlier.

"Indeed," said Vetinari, still not finding any need to look up from the book. After a few moments, rabid, high-pitched, beeping began to eminate from a little white disc on the ceiling, and a cloud of black smoke began streaming from the doorway leading to the kitchen.

"Dinner's ready!" came the voice of Nanny Ogg.

They all sat around the ktichen table, each playing the Guess-What-Animal-The-Mostrosity-On-Your-Plate-Used-To-Be game.

"Eat your hotdogs before they get cold," warned Nanny Ogg, apparently enjoying hers immensely. She scanned the gathered people and noticed something was missing. "'Ay, where's that commander man?"

"I think he's still in his room," said Angua, "I don't think he's come out since the show began"

"Your lordship," said Carrot, "You share a room with him, did he say anything?" Vetinari looked up from his plate, no one had seen him eating, but there was defineately much less of his hotdog than had been there previously.

"I believe his exact words were: 'I ain't comin' out until the viewers vote me off, or until the damn host is chased out of town'" he said.

"'Ere, I'll go talk to him," said Nobby, and after he had left the room, the other houseguests could hear him knocking on the door. After a few moments, they heard the creak of him opening the door, and then a loud _CLANG!!_ A few moments later, Nobby walked in, viciously rubbing a huge bump on his head.

"'E threw 'is helmet at me!!" he said.

"I think I'll go and have a word with him," said Nanny cheerfully, rolling up her sleeves. She left the room, and after a few moments there was a loud _BANG!! _ of a door breaking open, a brief, rather girlish scream, a small _thud_, and then Nanny reentered the room, dragging a rather stubborn looking Vimes by his shirt collar on the floor behind her.

"Now, eat yer dinner," said Nanny, propping him up in a chair, "A growing boy shouldn't be skipping meals"

**DAY ONE: 10:00 P.M.**

"Ah, Vimes, I see you are back from the bathroom," said Vetinari from the top bunk, as Vimes closed the bedroom door behind himself, "Feeling better?" Vimes merely scowled at him. Nanny's dinner had actually tasted better coming back up. He walked over to the desk and blew out the candle. He had refused to use the lamp that had been provided. He felt that it "was only encouraging them"

Vimes crawled onto the lower bunk and let himself fall onto the pillow. Trying to occupy his mind with something other than the fact that he was being forced to share a bedroom with the Patrician, he looked around the room and got his first good look at it. The walls were white and _covered _in multi-coloured polka-dots of all sizes. Even the bedsheets shared the same pattern, only they were pink instead of white.

"Sir?" said Vimes, after a while.

"Yes, commander?" came the Patrician's voice from above him.

"Why'd you pick such a gay room?" The few moments of silence that followed this question would have created an awkward environment for anyone else.

"Well, Vimes," said Vetinari, eventually, "Why did _you?"_

"What?"

"Why did you pick such a 'gay' room?" repeated the Patrician, unphazed.

"Well, I was stuck with it," said Vimes, "All of the other rooms were full"

"Ah, I see," answered Vetinari, "Good night, commander"

"Yeah, whatever," said Vimes, and he lay his head back down on his pillow and closed his eyes. After a few moments, they shot open, again. "Hey, wait a minute!!"

----------------------------------------------------------------

This chapter was actually pretty fun to write


	5. A Hogswatch Story

**DAY TWO: 7:00 A.M.**

Vimes woke up, but he kept his eyes closed. It was just one of those mornings where, all else set aside, you just felt like staying in bed. As he lay there, he experienced those first few moments of the morning where the subject has little to memory of the previous night. He breathed deeply as he enjoyed the blissfulness of it all...

_**BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

...and then it all came flooding back...

The situation following the alarm could be described in one word: Chaos

The houseguests were running all around the house, panicking at the thought of there being a fire in a house with doors locked on the inside. Except for Vimes, who knew better, Vetinari, who was just like that, Granny, likewise, and Rincewind, who was repeatedly running into the wall because his hat was still covering his eyes from wehen he went to bed.

Vimes flopped down onto the sofa and watched as the chaos ensued. The mayhem still continued for about five minutes after the deafening ring stopped, which was followed by everyone standing around, and generally looking confused. After a few moments, a voice seemed to come from some hidden device in the ceiling.

"Good morning, houseguests!!" There was only one voice they all knew who could somehow manage to smile via audio. "I hope you enjoyed your wake up call!!

"Ya nearly blew me eardrums out," said Nanny, now digging in her ear.

"Why the hell did you blast a bloody alarm at us?!" shouted Vimes.

"Couldn't you have simply yelled for us to wake up?" inquired Carrot.

"That would have deafened all of Ankh-Morpork," mummbled Angua. There seemed to be a pause on the other end of the line.

"...This was more fun?" came the voice of MiMi innocently. "Anyway, listen up, 'cause it's time for your first task!!"

"What? Now?" said Nobby.

"We just got here yesterday," said Ponder.

"You're lucky I let you go this long," said MiMi, "You think the _good_ people of Ankh-Morpork are paying just to watch you people sit around all day?" At this, everyone in the room immediately tried to find something about _anyone_ in Ankh-Morpork that could fit around the word 'good.' Except for Carrot who, of course, believed every word of it. Even from MiMi's side, there seemed to be a doubtful silence.

"...Indeed," said Vetinari.

"Anyway," she continued on, "Here is your task:" at this, she cleared her throat and began to talk as if she were a first-grader reciting something for the class.

"It's nearly Hogswatch, and to celebrate this joyous time, until Hogswatch day, you must all speak in _rhyme!!"_ The silence that hit was harder than a brick.

"_What?!"_

"You heard me, Vimesy, and don't think too little of it, 'cause whoever breaks the chain earns themselves a punishment!!" The line went silent, and after a few moments, the houseguests decided that it must have been turned off. Ridcully was the first to speak up.

"Cheer up, lads," he said, "It might be fun to sound like a Hogswatch card"

"Ridcully,"

"Yes, Vimes?"

"You're such a bastard"

**DAY TWO: 9:00 A.M.**

'Twas a week before Hogswatch, and as things settled back-'

"What the _bloody hell was that?"_ 'To Vimes, the sound was shrill and full of slander'

"I believe we've acquired a narrator, commander" 'Vimes glared at the patrician, who he thought was truly stuck up, but he didn't realize was -"

"Would you shut the hell up!" 'Deepest apologies to Commander Vimes, but it was MiMi's orders to narrate from time to time'

"I'd rather eat muck, so you can just tell her to stuff it, because I don't give a fu-"

"DUCK!" 'Suddenly, a rogue tomato burst out of the kitchen and flew through the room, where it hit the other wall, and exploded with a _BOOM!!'_

"Breakfast is ready!" 'came Nanny's call, it appeared that Vimes would get his wish, afterall' "Now, get in here, and don't be givin' me any cheek" 'Vimes sighed as everyone filed past and into the rioom. It was going to be a long week...'

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That's it for now, I'm afraid I had to cut this chapter a but short. I'll be posting a few more chapters before the holidays, before I take a break.

Also, I was debating whether or not to incorporate a narrator, but I couldn't think of any other way to make the task work


	6. Twas the Night Before Hogswatch

**DAY THREE: 8:00 P.M.**

'And so 'twas the night before Hogswtach and all through the house, Vimes had finally stopped btching about how he wanted to get out. Ridcully was sat down in the recliner chair, while his consistant snoring polluted the peaceful air'

"How are you dealing with it?" 'asked Rincewind as he sat down next to Vimes'

"I figure he'll shut up, eventually. He's got ot sleep sometime"

"No, I meant Ridcully's snoring," 'said Rincewind, who was positively pessimistic'

"I've mainly been ignoring it. How've you been surviving it all of these years?"

"I usually just cover my pillow over my ears"

"That ever work?" 'asked Vimes, his voice growing weary. Rincewind thought for a moment'

"No, not really" 'The house guests are bound to go nuts from this, later or sooner. For now, Ponder was keeping sane in front of the computer'

"So, if you want to eliminate the virus, you recallibrate the modem, and update the USB," 'said Ponder, typing away on the keypad. Granny Weatherwax looked sideways at him'

"You really need to find yourself a girl, lad"

**DAY THREE: AMS STUDIOS: 9:00 P.M.**

MiMi sat at the wall of screens, watching each one. There was one for each room in the house. She could see the five people in the living room, and was looking to see where the other five have gotten to. She found the screen that was showing the girls' bedroom. Inside, she saw Nobby, going through Angua's jewelry box. Well, no surprise, there. Over to Vimes/Vetinari's room. His lordship was sitting at the desk, reading. Nothing, there, either. On to the kitchen. Nanny Ogg had pretty much dominated this room. Angua was standing in the corner, though. She appeared to be cursing off the calendar. Hmm, this could be interesting. Over to Carrot/Nobby's bedroom, empty. Then to a view of outside the bathroom door. From inside came horrible wretching sounds. Carrot only tried Nanny's new recipe to be polite. He was one of the luckier ones. Back to the corridor, where Nobby seemed to be intently interested in the wall

"It appears that Nobby has founnd it," said Rob, looking over her shoulder. MiMi gave a small laugh.

"Almost, but not quite," she said. "He still has to figure out the door" There were a few moments of silent observation.

"Why's Angua yelling at that caldendar?" asked Rob.

"I 'unno, but I'll keep and eye on her," said MiMi, "How's the buisness doing?"

"As we speak, there is a mile-long line forming outside of the Moving Pictures Hall," said Rob. MiMis smiled.

"Good, and the city?"

"Just as we planned, Miss"

"Good," there was a bit more feeling in this reply

"How long until they'll crack, do you think?" inquired Rob

"It's only te first real task," said MiMi, "Give them time"

**DAY THREE: THE HOUSE: 10:00 P.M.**

"'Ere, you'll never guess what I found!!" 'exclaimed Nobby, running into the room. Ridcully stopped snoring and stirred, Vimes quickly put down the weilded broom'

"What'd you find this time?"

"What were you going to do with that, Vimes?"

"Ignore it," 'Vimes turned to Nobby, "Out with it, man"

"Hey, if the broom doesn't shut him up, Nanny leant me her frying pan" 'All focus was now on Rincewind who had entered the room. His gaze wandered from the goup to on the floor on the broom'

"And just what were you planning on doing with that pan?" 'Ridcully's voice full of scorn. Rincewind gave a small whimper before he fell to the floor. Whether he had fainted or was simply faking, their gazes turned back to Nobby, who was slightly less irritating'

"Seriously, Vimes, what was with the broom? 

"What have you found, Nobby?"

"I just found the weirdest room!!"

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Happy Hogswatch, everyone --


	7. Calm Before the Storm

**DAY THREE: 10:05 P.M.**

'They peered through the doorway to the darkened room, being cautious as a mouse'

"Are you gonna follow us arounnd the whole house?!" 'Ridcully shouted out of turn. Special orders from MiMi, sorry, sir. Vimes muttered something about us all being doomed as he flipped on the light switch and looked around the room. There came a shuffling of feet up to the room as the other houseguests joined the rest of the group'

'Angua said,' "Nobby said you found a demonic room, here" 'Carrot's face became one of concern'

"Oh, dear"

"It's not demonic just because we've never seen it before," 'said Vimes,' "Now either come inside or beat it, before you break the damn door" 'He looked around the room snd saw a T.V. and a chair. As the silence grew, so did the suspense in the air'

"Just looks like another sitting room"

**"WOULD ALL HOUSEGUESTS PLEASE REPORT TO THE LIVING ROOM!!"**

**DAY THREE: 10:10 P.M.**

"Congratulations, houseguests, you've all done exceptionally well," 'Vimes looked up with hope on his face'

"Does that mean we can escape this Hell?"

"Oh, Vimesy, you're so funny, haha _**NO!!**_ I just want to congradulate you guys on finding the diary room!! If you have any problems, feel free to talk to our crew member who's always on duty. He'll be happy to listen to all of your complaints"

"Perfect," said Vimes, beginning to get up.

"Not now, Vimes!! Anyway, I also wanted to tell you that the first task is over, now, and you no longer have to speak in rhyme"

"But, it's not even Hogswatch, yet," said Nanny.

"I'm feeling nice, today,"

"What's the catch?" said Vimes, who was smart enough to be suspicious of everything.

"Don't you worry about that, Vimesy, just enjoy your Hogswatch" The speaker shut off and the room began to relax.

"I don't believe it," said Vimes.

"I thought of all people, commander, that you would be the most joyous to find out that you don't have to rhyme," said Vetinari, calmly.

"That's easy for you to say, you've barely said anything this entire time!!" Vimes suddenly clamped his hands over his mouth. Many in the room responded to this by snickering, and he knew that somewhere, Sybil was, too. Even Vetinari gave a faint smile.

"Shut up," he said, "I'm going to bed"

**DAY FOUR: 12:00 P.M.**

Nanny Ogg and Angua were hanging around in the kitchen, as they had chosen as their normal spot. They usually preffered to be alone, but for today they tolerated the patrician sitting at the table reading a book and sipping coffee. Either they had allowed him to do so, or they hadn't even noticed him there. Nanny seemed to be too caught up in a cooking book, and Angua seemed to once again be silently resenting the calendar.

The kitchen door opened and Carrot walked into the room, closely followed by Nobby. He walked up to Angua, who didn't notice him until he politely cleared his throat and, when that didn't work, prodded her in the shoulder.

"Hmm? Oh, Carrot," she said, going red, "I'm sorry, I didn't notice you there"

"Don't worry about it," he said, "Here, I got you a Hogswatch present" he handed her a cardboard box that had been crudely, but thoughtfully, wrapped in construction paper.

"Oh, Carrot," Angua said, sweetly, "You shouldn't have," she opened the box and pulled out a necklace of daisies, "Carrot, these are beautiful, how did you get them?"

"I made them out of the flowers in the garden out back," he said, helping her put the necklace on, "Do you like it?"

"Carrot, I love it," she gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. He left the room blushing, but smiling.

"'Ere, Angua, I got you something, too," said Nobby, he handed her a box, which was not wrapped, but somehow gave the thought that the giver was making it quite clear that nobody was even worth the bother. Angua opened the box.

"Oh, Nobby, how did you get a hold of a pair of earrings in he-Hey, did you steal these out of my jewelry box?" She looked up, but the kitchen door was already swinging back and forth on its hinges, sighing, she slipped the earrings into her pocket. She was turning back to the calendar when she heard the door creak open ance again, and Ponder walked into the room, holding something behind his back. His face as red as a tomato, he walked up to Angua, his eyes cast purposefully down at his feet.

"Yes, Ponder?" said Angua, "Can I help you with something?" Ponder began to sweat nervously, and he quckly thrust something into Angua's hands.

"HappyHogswatchIhopeyoulikethem," he said, and with that he quickly turned and ran out of the room as fast as he could. Angua's face was blank and she looked down at the flowers in her hands. It was a bouquet of Forget-Me-Nots. Before she could have time to process the thought, Nanny Ogg spoke up.

"Looks like that nice yound captain ain't yer only admirer," she said, winking. Angua had the dignity to look confused.

"Who, Nobby?" she said, "He's sweet and all, but he knows me and Carrot are a couple" Nanny Ogg rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, Nobby," she said, "_that's _who I was just talking about," she shook her head and turned back to her cookbook. Angua looked at the flowers, again. Then she looked over to Vetinari.

"You don't think Ponder really...?" she said.

"I don't think he could really what, sergeant?" he said. Angua sighed. Ah, right. Of course


	8. Eye of the Storm

**DAY TEN: 7:00 P.M.**

Well, it had been over a week since the competition started, and it had been fairly quiet for the past few days. They haden't gotten any new tasks since Hogswatch, nor information about when the first elimination was going to be. In short: Everyone was suspicious. Except for Carrot, who generally never was, and Vetinari who, even if was suspicious, he was very good at not showing it, and Vimes, who is usually _always _suspicious of _everything, _but was currently too busy ranting in the diary room in tones that could be heard throughout the house.

Currently, all of the houseguests were getting on as they usually did, but suspiciously. Rincewind, who was like Vimes in the way that he never let his guard down, had resorted to building a pillow and blanket fort in the corner of the room. It was quite a large fort, meaning no one in the house had something to rest their heads on when they slept and the furniture was void of all of its cushions.

Angua was sitting at the window, looking out into the night. More specifically, up at the sky. Carrot, who was one of the only other people in the house who knew about her, was sitting close by to make sure she wasn't going to do anything that she would later regret. For some reason Ponder was sitting by himself in a cushionless chair, giving Angua the occasional concerned and nervous glance, or Carrot an unusually spiteful glare. For another unexplained reason, the computer looked lonely.

In the kitchen, it was one of those rare occasions where Nanny Ogg wasn't hovering over the stove. In fact, it was Granny who, after realizing that there wasn't another girl around to make the tea, was forced to do it herself. Aside from this, everyone seemed to be making due with the lack of a very annoying voice constantly breaking the peace.

**"WILL ALL HOUSEGUESTS PLEASE REPORT TO THE LIVING ROOM!!"**

It had been ten minutes since the announcement and everyone had gathered into the room, and yet there was silence. You know, except for Vimes who had yer to leave the diary room, completely oblivious to the fact that the listener had long since fallen asleep and was now gently snoring on the other side. Eventually, the door slammed shut, and Vimes walked into the room and sat down on the bare couch and crossed his arms.

"Thank you for joining us, Vimsey!!" said MiMi over the speaker. Vimes glared. "Now, that everyone's her I can- Hey, where's Rincewind?" From the inside of the giant pillow fort came the sound of flushing before Rincewind emerged and joined the others. No one asked. They felt this was the safer route.

"...Okay, anyhoo," MiMi continued on, "Now, that everyone's here, it's time for the last task of the year!!" Everyone looked surprised in the fact that the year was ending already, except Angua who had gotten a very good look at the calendar in the past few days.

"And to celebrate the new year, I believe it is cutomary for a New Year's Eve Party!!" No one was taking the bait, they knew better. "Okay, you caught me. Well, you're next task is to celebrate the new year with..A drinking contest!!" this caught the majority of the male attention in the room. And Nanny. They could feel the smile spreading across MiMi's face as a result of this. "As we speak,"

"We?" chimed in Nobby's voice.

"Okay, as _I _speak, my crew is setting up in the kitcen everything you shall need for the contest!!" This caused some mild confusion among the houseguests. MiMi sighed. "They're loading the fridge with beer" A wave of understanding swept over them.

"What does the winner get?" asked Ridcully. He seemed quite confident in asking this.

"I'm glad you asked," said MiMi's voice, "The winner gets to decide the chores for all of the other guests for two weeks!! If they're still here, that is"

Vimes's head shot up, "What do you mean if they're stil he-"

"Okay, have fun, and Happy New Years!!" The line was cut off.

**DAY TEN: 10:00 P.M.**

It had been a couple of hourse since the contest had started, and so far Ridcully was winning. Carrot had passed out after only one, and while no one had actually seen Vetinari drinking, he had certainly aquired a group of empty bottles around him on the kitchen table. Vimes had not even touched one beer. He didn't care what the punishment would be if he didn't. He'd promised Sybil.

**11:00 P.M.**

Grany wasn't abstaining like Vimes, but she was still sipping her first bottle. She wasn't going to lose since Carrot had already passed out and Vimes wasn't even trying, but she wasn't about to get drunk and make a fool of herself. Nanny was already stone drunk and was tied with Ridcully for the lead. Currently, she was dancing around singing the Hedgehog song, with Ridcully doing an exceptionally bad job of trying to pick up the words as they went along. Rincewind was gigglng like mad, and Ponder was slowly edging his way towards Angua, who was in the mean-drunk stage.

**11:30 P.M.**

Vime had fallen asleep out of boredom. Nanny was out, as well. She'd slipped on the floor while dancing and had knocked herself unconcious. Ridcully tripped over one of the several empty beer bottles that littered the floor and had done the same. Ponder was rubbing his newly aquired black eye and was serveral feet away from Angua.

**11:45 P.M.**

Granny had long since gone off to bed. Angua had fallen asleep and fell over in her chair. Nobby was lying unconcious with a bump on his head, after making the mistake of trying to steal Rincewind's hat. Both him and Ponder were now standing on the kitchen table, doing what at one point could have been the can-can, but now had been horribly butchered by two idiotic wizards. Vetinari was watching. Ponder tripped over another beer bottle and crashed to the floor. Ricewind, whose only means of being able to be dancing was by using Ponder for support, fell on top of him. Vetinari made sure they were out before allowing himself to pass out.

------------------------------------------------------

Sorry for the delay, I would have liked to have posted this before New Year's but I've been busy with many other things that I did not want to do


	9. Holiday Hangovers

**DAY ELEVEN: 10:00 A.M.**

It was the mother of hangovers. That's all that need be said. It was all that could be said 'cause anything said above half a decibel was like a sonic boom to the ears of most of the houseguests. They were all still in bed, that, of course, was about to be fixed...

**"WILL ALL HOUSEGUESTS PLEASE REPORT TO THE LIVING ROOM!!"**

The first to respond was Rincewind, who's reaction was running into the room and banging his head several times on the wall. The others half stumbled, half fell in and more or less collapsed on the furniture.

"Rincewind, take the hat off of your eyes," said Vimes, who had actually gotten a good night's sleep and seemed to be the livliest person in the room. Certainly not the livliest _voice _in the room, because an airhorn couldn't top MiMi's voice.

"It's not his hat," muttered Ridcully, "It's the hangover."

"He's going to kill himself doing that"

"I believe that's his main intention."

"Ah." Ponder, who was in a hungover state where he wasn't about to take anything from anybody, grabbed Rincewind by the collar of his robe, and pushed the unresisting wizzard in the general direction of the cushionless couch.

"Someone please get him an ice pack, or something," he said. Something hit the wizzard square in the face and kncoked him out onto the floor. "Thank you, Nanny."

"Is everyone here?!" came the voice of MiMi, this was followed by a general groan of agreement as they tried to sort their migrains from everyone else's, except for Vetinari, who seemed to be asleep with his eyes open. "Well, then I guess it's time to announce the surprise!!"

"Oh, joy, something more to brighten our morning!" said Nobby, from somewhere on the floor.

"I know!!" said MiMi, who if she had caught the intense sarcasm, was doing a good job of ignoring it. "Then in that case, I am happy to say that it is time for..." Here there was actually a drumroll caused by someone in the background, "The first elimination!!"ss This caught Vimes's full attention.

"Elimination?"

"Yes! All this week, the viewers will vote off one person who they think should be booted form the Amkh-Morpork Survivor house!! If any of you want, you can go to the diary room and explain to the viewing public why you feel you should be allowed to stay in the house!!" Vimes's dash out of the room was lined with quicksilver.

"...Ooookay," said MiMi, "Ahem, well anyway, onto some more news!!"

"Oh, get on with it!" shouted Angua, who was clenching her head in case it fell off.

"Calm down, calm down, I'm just annoucing the winner of the drinking contest, since most of you were already too drunk and on the floor to remember half of what happened." There was annoyed cough from Granny Weatherwax's general direction. There was almost a worried silence from MiMi's end of the line. "...Oooor had chosen to abstain from the contest altogether...Anyhoo, I'm glad to announce that the winner of the contest was..Lord Vetinari!!" This didn't seem to surprise anyone 'cause Vetinari didn't _seem _ like the kind of guy who'd pass out. This was not the response MiMi had been expecting.

"...He won by drinking the most beers, not being the last to go out" All of the eyes in the room turned to Vetinari. There it was.

**DAY ELEVEN 11:45 A.M.**

"And I'm completely and utterly boring!! No one in their right mind would want to see me in this house, I'd be a complete bore!! I'm not at all an interesting person!! I might look it on the streets, but that's when I'm doing my job!! I'm actually immensly dull on my days off!!"

"Vimes?" came the voice on the other end.

"And I am completely unable to-"

"VIMES!!"

"What?"

"The appeals to the viewers are only going to be a couple of minutes long, we cut you off forty-three minutes ago. And you're supposed to be saying why you should _stay _ in the house..."

"Why'd anyone want to do that?"

-------------------------------------------------

Writer's block is a cruel nuissansce...ANYWAY, IT'S TIME FOR THEW FIRST ELIMINATION!! IT'S TIME FOR YOU, THE READERS TO CHOOSE WHO YOU WANT BOOTED OUT OF THE HOUSE!! PLEASE CAST YOUR VOTE IN A REVIEW!! VOTE NOW!!


	10. My Apology

I apologize to everyone who has been anticipating the update of this story, but I have come to find that I'm lacking both time and ideas for anymore of this fanfiction, which is why I am choosing to no longer update, so I can leave the pressure of updating, I already have another story of my own design that I had been uploading to my DeviantArt account long before I started this one, and I must keep that as my first priority

BUT, this may not be the end of this fiction with YOUR help, just because I can't keep writing this doesn't mean it must end, anyone would like to continue this story with their own ideas and plot line, please let me know in a review, and I will relinquish full ownership of this fanfiction over to them

When I choose someone to give ownership to, I will post it here in an update, to that person, I will give them who won the elimination, there were only four votes, but someone was chosen to get out of the house

Thank you for following my story this far, it was fun while it lasted, and I'm sad to see that I cannot continue writing it, but, like I said, I have other priorities that come first in my life

Thanks again

MiMi (yeah, I was the insane hostess)


	11. let the madness commence!

Vimes was alone, he wan't sure where everyone had gone, but he didn't particularly care at this moment, the silence was bliss. He was staring out of the window and into the garden. Maybe he would go out and enjoy the fresh air for a little while. He wasn't sure what day it was, or for how long this contest had been going on for. He was only sure of one thing: He wanted to get out. Well, that was up to the viewers now, wasn't it? His fate was left in the hands of Ankh-Morpork. He considered this for a few moments.

"I'm thouroughly screwed," he concluded.

"Something wrong, Commander?" Vimes turned in shock. He hadn't heard Vetinari come into the room, but there he was.

"How long have you been standing there, sir?" he asked.

"Long enough, Vimes" The Patrician moved closer, his quiet voice filling the room. For some reason, Vimes felt that he should take a few steps back. He did so.

"You wouldn't happen to know where everyone has gotten to, would you, my lord?" said Vimes. Vetinari's voice got softer as he stepped forward a few more steps. Vimes stepped back, again.

"They do not matter, now, Vimes," he whispered, "All that matters right now is you."

"Excuse me, my lord?" Vimes's eyes widened as Vetinari was suddenly looming over him, despite the minimal difference in their heights.

"I said only you matter, Vimes," Vetirnari closed his eyes and leaned in.

...Vimes woke up and screamed.

"Something wrong, commander?" Vetinari's voice came from the top bunk. Vimes screamed again.

Vetinari was the first to walk into the living room, Vimes yawning and rubbing his head furiously as he followed behind, trying to avoid everyone's gaze. _Everyone _had heard him scream.

Vimes sat down on the couch, next to Carrot.

"Sir-"

"Captain"

"Yes, sir?"

"You're going to ask me what happened and why I was screaming, then no matter what I even say, you're going to suggest some home remedy that you read in a book somewhere, then you're going to start naming off some historical figures who discovered the remedy and how, aren't you?"

"Er..In a nutshell, yes, sir"

"I'd rather you didn't, if it's all the same to you, captain"

"Yes, sir"

"The commander has been having a rough night" Vimes shot a glare over to Vetinari, who was sitting calmly down in the armchair.

"You stay out of this, sir" Vimes, commanded, "Nobby?"

"Yes, Mister Vimes?"

"How long has this game been going on?"

"About a month, sir"

"Seems like a lot longer"

"The feeling's mutual, sir," said Angua. Everyone in the room nodded in confused agreement, though no one could tell why.

"Good Morning, Houseguests!!" Everyone groaned, as was the usual response to MiMi's little wake up call.

"I'm sure everyone's eager to hear the results of the first elimination!!" This caught the full attention of everyone in the room. There was _hope._

"The first person to be elimiated from the Ankh-Morpork Survivor House is...Vimes!!--"

"YES!!"

"--Get out of the way, you're blocking the door for Granny Weatherwax!!" Vimes stood in the middle of the room, frozen in mid air punch, his face slowly turning red. Slowly, he sat down, and a silent vowe was taken on by everyone to never discuss this moment again. Granny grunted in acknowledgement, and calmly got up, and grabbed her bags,(had they always been sitting there like that?), and walked out of the front door, which automatically locked behind her

"Well, those were all of the announcements that I had for right now, so have a good day, houseguests!!" The line went blank

It was around lunchtime. Everyone was cough _enjoying_ the attempt at a salad by Nanny Ogg, especially that convienently placed potted plant that just happened to be sitting by the kitchen table.

"The poor thing looks like it's not going to make it through the day," said Nanny, dropping the wilting leaves, "Couldn't imagine what happened to it."

"Oh, I think I might have a good clue," mummbled Rincewind, picking through the parts of the salad that he hadn't had the chance to "eat" yet, unfortuneately, Nanny's expertise had taken the word salad to be foregin for, "A plate of leaves that had slightly less muck and salt piled onto it"

"Oh, my gosh!!" shouted Carrot, dashing into the room.

"What's wrong, captain?" said Vimes, standing up.

"It's Angua, sir," panted Carrot, "She's gone missing!!"

"WHAT!!??" All eyes in the room were now resting on Ponder Stibbons, who had accidently knocked his plate off of the table at the speed at which he had stood up. He looked around the puzzled faces, blushing, before sitting down and clearing his throat.

"I mean, um, how dreadful," he toned.

"Indeed," said the Patrician, "I cannot imagine why she would have run off like this"

"Oh, I know," said Nobby, "It's just that it's nearly full moo- mph!"

"What was that?" said Rincewind.

"What was what?" said Vimes, innocently.

"That bit where you clamped your hand over his mouth," said Ridcully, accusingly, "See? You're still doing it!!" Vimes released his grip on Nobby.

"I have no idea what you are talking about, I'm certain," he said, and that was that.

**"WILL ALL HOUSEGUESTS PLEASE REPORT TO THE LIVING ROOM!!"** They eached groaned in turn as they filed out and into the living room, where they took their usual seats among the bare couches and chairs.

"What is it this time?" piped up Ridcully after a few momwnts of silence.

"I thought now would be a good time to announce your next task!!" MiMi sang out of the hidden speakers, "And this is a good one!!"

"Get on with it!!" yelled Nobby.

"Since I'm feeling that everyone is in an energetic mood, I thought this would be a good time for a game of Laser Tag!!" This was met by a loud wave of silent confusion among the houseguests, "I guess I should elaborate, ahem, Laser Tag is a game of elimination, you will each be given plastic armour and an imitation gonne, when fired, they will send out invisible signals to whosever armour it is aimed at and make loud beeping noises, if your armour emits these noises, you are out of the game"

"That's madness!!" yelled Vimes

"That's the point," MiMi explained, calmly, "But, not too worry, Vimesy, too avoid too much indsanity, you will each be given a private target, this person, and only this person, is who you will be looking for the entire game, whoever is left standing wins. Now will you each please line up outside of the diary room, and oyu be given your assignments" The line went blank, which was a usual sign that they should get started

Lord Vetinari was first, of course, and he vacated the diary room in moments, keeping the calm expression that he always wore, Vimes was up next. He walked inside and sat down in front of the television. MiMi's face was on the screen.

"Good afternoon, Mister Vimes," she said, cheerfully, "Are you ready to recieve your target?"

"No"

"Fantastic!!" She had mastered the art of being selectively deaf, "Next to you, you will find plastic armour and your weapon, good, now," here, her voice got considerably lower, "Your assignment is...Nobby Nobbs" Vimes breathed out, but, he wasn't relieved just yet

"Nobby?" he said, "Are you sure you don't want to stick me with anyone else to make your show a little more dramatic, say, Vetinari?"

"Um, no, not really," said MiMi, having the decency to look confused, "Just Nobby, the game will begin on my mark, until then, please wait in the living room, Have Fun!!"

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Woah, where did this come from? Well, I was bored and watching some anime, so I thought, why not? This does not mean that the story is officially back on, just that an occasionaly chapter may pop up every now and again


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